Depression – how can you help?

I don’t have all the answers, if fact I don’t think anyone has all the answers. I’m struggling to know how best to help those struggling with depression. Struggling all the more since the sudden loss of a friend.  Struggling to understand.  So I’ve turned to a book written by someone (Mark Meynell) who has suffered with depression for many years. It’s called “When darkness seems my closest friend.” 

It’s been helpful, although he doesn’t have all the answers either. He recognizes that everyone is different.  But he speaks as a sufferer of depression and writes about what can be helpful for carers. So I thought I would share it in case it may be helpful to others.

Presence

The first thing – is being there. Even though the depressed person may not show they appreciate you being there, the chances are that they do.  Meynell writes “I have found that I most want others ‘to be’ for me, rather than ‘to do’ for me.”  If you know the book of Job in the Bible, you’ll know that the best thing that Job’s ‘friends’ did was turn up and say nothing – when they opened their mouths it went wrong!  Sometimes we just need to be and not try to offer solutions. However, we may not be able to be physically with the person all the time and Meynell suggested that sending message “to check in” can be helpful, these messages remind the person suffering that they are not out of mind.

Persistence

Given that the depressed person may not always show their appreciation and given that you may feel you don’t know what to say, there can be a danger of backing off. Meynell likens himself to a hedgehog, he says sometimes it’s like he curls up in a balls and all people feel is spikes, and these spokes may put people off. But, he says, please be patient and gracious.  He recommends asking questions, and he even suggests some that may be helpful:

·         What do you wish others understood?

·         What makes it so hard right now?

·         What more would you like to add to what you said the other day?

·         Is it like trying to hear yourself think next to a traffic junction, or something else?

·         Are there times of the day that are worse than others or is it more general than that?

·         How has meeting others with similar pain helped you?

·         How might trying to write your experiences down help?

The aim is not to diagnose (we can leave that to the medics) but to listen, to be a friend.

Stephen Fry wrote:

 “Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through.  Be there for them when they come through the other side.  It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

Meynell continues with some other ideas of things that help:

Pray

And Perhaps send a text to say what you’ve been praying for them

Share

It might be that you could share something that has encouraged you recently, a song, a poem, a Bible verse.  But he warns – “don’t be offended if what you share doesn’t connect.”

Accompany

It might be that you can offer to go to a medical appointment with someone and just sit in the waiting room.  Meynell says this speaks volumes to him. 

Hospitality

Meynell writes “To have friends share their home, while making clear it comes without expectations of being sparkling company, can be liberating.  Just offering a ‘normal’ environment, while family chaos continues all around, is such a gift.”

What not to say – here are some things that are almost certainly NOT helpful to say:

• ·         Why can’t you just snap out of it?

• ·         Just think positive – none of this negativity helps anyone.

• ·         Confess your sins, and this will all go away.

• ·         Take your pills, and it’ll be fine / you must stop your pills because they are dragging you down.

• ·         He/She/I has/have been through far worse, what are you complaining about?

Reassurance

Think. Listen. Pray. Ask yourself “What does this heavy heart most need from me right now?”

If the fog has descended and reality been distorted, then a friend’s greatest gift is to be a counterbalance.  To offer perspective where it is evaporating, to offer alternative interpretations where only the darkest appear to make sense. For example, offering an alternative explanation for why someone hasn’t been in contact for a while.

That is not all the answers, and it’s not meant to be, it’s just some thoughts about how we might be able help. Please get in contact if you would like to talk further or to pray.

If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal, there is help, this page has lots more information.