What can you say to a parent who is grieving the loss of a child?

There have been a number of tragic deaths of young people recently. Adam McCormick, aged 14, Killian Casey aged 15, and Brendán Óg Ó Dufaigh aged 19. All died suddenly. To lose a loved one at any age is hard, but when they are young, it just seems even harder.

Killian’s sister speaking at his funeral said:

“Nothing in this world can prepare you for this amount of pain.”

What can you say to a parent who is grieving? I’m reading “My Sunflower Girl” at the moment, it’s written by a man who lost his dear daughter Megan age 10. It’s a heart-breaking but helpful read, he warns:

“We discovered that some people, and especially Christian people, often felt the need to say something positive in order to help us feel better…But when the pain is sharp and raw like an open wound, people can, with all good intentions, try and apply the plaster too quickly, too lightly.” (p99)

So what can we say? Williams continues:

“Don’t try to fix us.  If our weeping and great mourning is an embarrassment to you, then that’s too bad! Our Children are no more! Weep with us. Pray for us. But don’t try to push us into a state of ‘feeling better’ Our dear, dead children deserve better than that….What I need to hear from you is that you recognise how painful it is. Come and sit beside me on my mourning bench.” (p102)

I think the big message is – be there for them, don’t stay away, show that you recognise something of how painful it is, but don’t feel the need to say anything.

This poem was written by Dyfan Williams after the loss of his 10year old daughter:

If I could fight with Death

If I could gain a hold

I’d drag him down and kick and punch

And leave him in the cold

For Death has caused me pain

And Death has pummelled me

Relentless punches still rain down

On all my family

But I cannot fight with Death

Just shadow box in vain

I lash out wildly in my grief

And miss, and miss again

To Easter I must look

To Christ, who fought for me

And won! So Death, where is your sting?

Where is your victory?

For all who trust in Christ

Will share his victory

One day we’ll see the death of Death

And live eternally.

Useful Resources:

My Sunflower Girl by Dyfan Williams.

Tim Challies lost his son at a young age, he’s written quite a lot about his pain, his most recent one is here.

“For all who grieve” by Colin Smith is another helpful book on losing a child.